Why I Created Blame It On My BPD

It’s 2am. Which is usually when everything I’ve been avoiding all day decides to show up at once. During the day, I’m fine. Or at least I look fine. I can talk, laugh, give advice like I actually have a grip on things. And then night comes and it’s like… oh. This is what’s really going on. Too many thoughts. Too many feelings. And somehow they’re all screaming at me at the same time. I’ll be thinking about one person, then suddenly I’m replaying old situations, then I’m questioning every decision I’ve ever made, and now I’m just sitting here like… can I actually exist without this constant underlying hurt? And the weird part is — I know what to do. I do not stay where I feel I’m not wanted. I don’t beg. I don’t chase. If something feels off, I’m out… And on the outside, that probably looks like strength. Like I have boundaries. Like I respect myself. But what people don’t see is what happens after. Because me leaving doesn’t mean I wanted to. And sometimes that “moving on” is just me avoiding how I really feel… because I don’t know how to say I don’t actually want to be done. I just changed my mind. This is part of why I made this. Because living with Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t what people think it is. It’s not just “mood swings.” It’s intensity. It’s avoidance. It’s overanalyzing everything and still feeling like you’re missing something. It’s being able to walk away from someone… and still feel everything they meant to you long after they’re gone. It’s not knowing how to be better… but smiling and fooling everyone else anyway. I keep asking myself if I can get to a place where I can just be. No overthinking. No constant pain—real or imagined. Just… exist. I don’t know what that feels like yet. So this isn’t a “I figured it out” type of space. It’s more like — this is what it looks like while I’m in it. Unfiltered. Sometimes chaotic. Sometimes a little too honest. Maybe even a little funny in a “this probably shouldn’t be funny but here we are” kind of way. But real. If you get it, you get it. And if you don’t, maybe this helps you understand what it actually feels like from the inside. — Not medical advice. Just me trying to make sense of my own brain in real time.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDERBPDMENTAL WELLNESS